My husband and I live in the modern age, in a sophisticated
society with educated and qualified people around us with city life throbbing and
suburbia life equally impressive. We have many friends and colleagues; we have a
healthy social circle and an exciting social life. We have made a little home away from home. Yet
we feel lonely many times.
Let me give you a little background about us. I was born to parents
who migrated to Chennai (South India) after getting married. I grew up in
Chennai till I reached my adult life. I had lots of Tamil, Telegu, Bengali friends.
I had gotten very familiar and accustomed to multiple cultures and languages.
At home we (my sister and I) spoke mostly Bengali with my parents. My dad was
particular perhaps only about Bengali food at home. But outside of home, south
indian and Chinese food were favorites for all of us. With this opportunity of cross cultural mix, I
became very much cosmopolitan. I never felt out of place among friend who
were or were not from my culture. That divide just didn't seem to exist. That divide
didn't seem to have a definition in my life. I was not very strongly accustomed
to Bengali culture as well, for some reason.
My husband was born to a very interesting mix of a Bengali mom
and a Tamil Dad. His parents met in Dhanbad while they were working there, Fell
in love, got married and moved to Chennai. So he too grew up with cross culture right at
home. His friends were again from different cultures and religions. He too doesn't
understand or comprehend the apparent divide among cultures.
Neither of us for a moment ever thought to be friends with
someone or another couple based on what culture they belonged too. Both of us
migrated to United States in 2006. This is when things started to seem a little
different.
While pursuing our masters in University Of Illinois –
Chicago, we experienced this divide, where the tamils would stick around with
other tamils, Bengalis would stick around with other Bengalis and the same with
telegus, marathis or gujratis. And clearly for either of us, we didn't belong
anywhere. While I am comfortable conversing in Bengali, hindi, tamil and English,
My husband is comfortable speaking in English. So we couldn't find a place with
others where both of us were welcome truly. And frankly, I just didn't seem to
understand this flocking. Mind you, everyone was very cordial with each other. They
were respectful and may be sometimes even helpful, but the priority or
preference always went to one of their own cultures or languages. Yet we somehow survived this. We ended up being lucky to be
a part of a group with an awesome diversity. We graduated, got a job, bought a
house, got married and moved to the suburbs. Things began to change again. Our
friends from school moved to different parts of States. Slowly but soon enough,
we made friends and now that we were a couple and from suburbia we were to make
friends with other couples. We realized that Indian couples seem to want to
hang out with their own culture.
Quiet subtly but still very visibly we felt discrimination.
Our presence created a restraint on others to speak in English while they
wanted to converse in their own language. Or probably were accustomed to that,
or probably being away from home made others feel at home that way. But this
made us feel how out of place we were among “our own “ people and friends. My
husband and I are unique in our own way where probably we are not too strongly
bound to our culture and are very open to all. For instance, we wouldn't think
inviting or not inviting friends for a party based on cultural differences. Is it fair to discriminate? Why did we not feel
this way while growing up? What do couples like us do? Why do we feel lonely in
spite of having a good social life? End of the day friendship takes a new definition.
We have learnt to keep expectations from our friends to the
minimal. But it still bothers me. Is it right to be discriminated? Why is this
happening in a circle of educated professionals? Is what is happening right or
wrong or expected? Is it our mistake that we did not get strongly accustomed to
one culture and stick with it? Is being diverse a curse?
I like your Blog Title "Subtle Discrimination". It is sarcastic to say the least since the discrimination is not subtle but glaring.
ReplyDeleteI remember my days in grad school, where we who are from Mumbai could not align ourselves with any group. Being from Mumbai, you are exposed to a lot of cultures and you create your own identity of having fun with everyone.
But as soon as we came for grad school, we see this groups divided culturally and ethnically. Finally, it all the guys who were culturally diverse formed a group where everyone was welcome to hang out and make friends.
But it was an eye-opener for me as we as folks from Mumbai come to the US. Either we were not from "pure upbringings culturally" Bengali's, Marathi's or Tamilians or we speak with an accent or are snobbish when we highlight the obvious discrimination.
Start Hanging out With American Couples... That way you're all on the same page and speak same language
ReplyDeleteA genuine problem indeed, but for you? You never felt lonesome even when your totally alone literally. :)
ReplyDeletei love that you brought up this topic, because I like you - bengali but brought up in chennai, finished school in kolkata, but american citizen, well what a wonder when none of the Indian groups let me hang out with them, cause i was too white, although broguht up entirely in india. i just hang out with people who are open to diversity now cause i rather not be seen for what language i speak, but for how fun i am to be around!
ReplyDeletecome hang out with ryan and i!
Why do educated Indian people practice such discrimination - ? I think there are couple of reasons for it - Indian's rarely like to go outside their comfort zone and the comfort zone basically depends on the environment they have been brought up.
ReplyDeleteA Bengali who has lived all his life in West Bengal, is in his comfort zone only on people of his kind. So taking a big step to come to an alien country like US, you first try to get into your comfort zone by relying on the Indian community. But soon you try to get more comfortable with the people who you know more about.
This is true about all communities in India. I have seen people from the south - Tamilians flock with Tamilians, Telegu flock with Telegu.
Now, for folks from India like you who are from a different place, born in a different place, your comfort zone is more accepting all people and getting to know them better. So you are actually comfortable mingling with everyone.
Me and my wife have similar heritage, we were born away from our native states. And both of us grew up in cosmopolitan cities. For us this discrimination was so weird that we didn't want to marry someone from the same state that we hailed from.
Well, I don't know how I end up reading your blog, but I liked it. Me and wife are from different "CASTS" and have felt this in our "Own Families" :) anyways. Keep posting.
ReplyDelete