My husband and I live in the modern age, in a sophisticated
society with educated and qualified people around us with city life throbbing and
suburbia life equally impressive. We have many friends and colleagues; we have a
healthy social circle and an exciting social life. We have made a little home away from home. Yet
we feel lonely many times.
Let me give you a little background about us. I was born to parents
who migrated to Chennai (South India) after getting married. I grew up in
Chennai till I reached my adult life. I had lots of Tamil, Telegu, Bengali friends.
I had gotten very familiar and accustomed to multiple cultures and languages.
At home we (my sister and I) spoke mostly Bengali with my parents. My dad was
particular perhaps only about Bengali food at home. But outside of home, south
indian and Chinese food were favorites for all of us. With this opportunity of cross cultural mix, I
became very much cosmopolitan. I never felt out of place among friend who
were or were not from my culture. That divide just didn't seem to exist. That divide
didn't seem to have a definition in my life. I was not very strongly accustomed
to Bengali culture as well, for some reason.
My husband was born to a very interesting mix of a Bengali mom
and a Tamil Dad. His parents met in Dhanbad while they were working there, Fell
in love, got married and moved to Chennai. So he too grew up with cross culture right at
home. His friends were again from different cultures and religions. He too doesn't
understand or comprehend the apparent divide among cultures.
Neither of us for a moment ever thought to be friends with
someone or another couple based on what culture they belonged too. Both of us
migrated to United States in 2006. This is when things started to seem a little
different.
While pursuing our masters in University Of Illinois –
Chicago, we experienced this divide, where the tamils would stick around with
other tamils, Bengalis would stick around with other Bengalis and the same with
telegus, marathis or gujratis. And clearly for either of us, we didn't belong
anywhere. While I am comfortable conversing in Bengali, hindi, tamil and English,
My husband is comfortable speaking in English. So we couldn't find a place with
others where both of us were welcome truly. And frankly, I just didn't seem to
understand this flocking. Mind you, everyone was very cordial with each other. They
were respectful and may be sometimes even helpful, but the priority or
preference always went to one of their own cultures or languages. Yet we somehow survived this. We ended up being lucky to be
a part of a group with an awesome diversity. We graduated, got a job, bought a
house, got married and moved to the suburbs. Things began to change again. Our
friends from school moved to different parts of States. Slowly but soon enough,
we made friends and now that we were a couple and from suburbia we were to make
friends with other couples. We realized that Indian couples seem to want to
hang out with their own culture.
Quiet subtly but still very visibly we felt discrimination.
Our presence created a restraint on others to speak in English while they
wanted to converse in their own language. Or probably were accustomed to that,
or probably being away from home made others feel at home that way. But this
made us feel how out of place we were among “our own “ people and friends. My
husband and I are unique in our own way where probably we are not too strongly
bound to our culture and are very open to all. For instance, we wouldn't think
inviting or not inviting friends for a party based on cultural differences. Is it fair to discriminate? Why did we not feel
this way while growing up? What do couples like us do? Why do we feel lonely in
spite of having a good social life? End of the day friendship takes a new definition.
We have learnt to keep expectations from our friends to the
minimal. But it still bothers me. Is it right to be discriminated? Why is this
happening in a circle of educated professionals? Is what is happening right or
wrong or expected? Is it our mistake that we did not get strongly accustomed to
one culture and stick with it? Is being diverse a curse?
